Enabling behavior is born out of our instinct for love. It’s only natural to want to help someone we love, but when it comes to certain problems – addiction, in this case – helping is like throwing a match on a pool of gas.

In the true sense of the word, to enable is to supply with the means, knowledge, or opportunity to be or do something – to make feasible or possible.

In its true form, then, Enabling behavior means something positive. It’s instinctive.

However, when we apply it to certain problems in living – addiction, chronic financial trouble, codependency, certain forms of chronic depression – enabling behaviors have the reverse effect of what is intended.

Enabling begins with the little things – waking someone so they won’t be late to work (again) or loaning them money (again). The common thinking is that this is helping the person who has or is developing an addiction… but what it is doing is prolonging the reality that there is a problem causing negative consequences in their life. In reality, the best thing one can do is let the person experience the negative consequences… to see what their own behavior is causing.

Here are some examples… it starts innocently enough

• Ignoring the problem – because they get defensive when you bring it up or your hope that it will magically go away
• Joining them in blaming others – for their own feelings, problems, and misfortunes
• Doing for them what they should be able to do for themselves –
• Repeatedly coming to the "Rescue"
• Repeatedly bailing them out – of jail, financial problems, other "tight spots" they get themselves into
• Giving them "one more chance" – …then another…and another
• Joining them in the behavior when you know they have a problem with it – Drinking, gambling, etc.,
• Accepting their justifications, excuses and rationalizations – "I’m destroying myself with alcohol because I’m depressed".
• Avoiding problems – keeping the peace, believing a lack of conflict will help
• Softening or removing the natural consequences of the problem behavior
• Trying to "fix" them or their problem
• Trying to control them or their problem

Enabling behaviors directly and indirectly support the vicious cycle of never-ending problems and pain of addiction.

Continuing enabling behavior creates an addict within itself. Codependency… the enabler becoming addicted to helping the addict…is a vicious partner to someone struggling with addiction

Enabling Behavior – the Addiction of the Codependent

Take a look at how the signs of addiction match the signs of codependency.

Early Stage

• Relief Using or Enabling – Comfort eating, spending, working or "helping" someone with their problem in order to avoid an internal focus.
• Increase in Tolerance – for the behaviors of the problem person.
• Preoccupation – with the problem person or persons
• Loss of Control – over emotions or behavior (Excessive eating, yelling at the kids)
• Continued Use (of enabling behavior) Despite Serious Negative Consequences – to yourself as well as them

Middle or "Crucial" Stage

• Family Problems
• Social Problems – Embarrassment, avoiding parties where they may be "too much temptation" for your partner.
• Emotional Problems – Depression, anxiety, chronic stress
• Financial Problems
• Legal Problems – Domestic disturbances
• Occupational or Academic Problems – Loss of concentration due to preoccupation with the problem person or persons

Late or "Chronic" Stage

• Physical Deterioration – headaches, stomach problems, stress disorders, etc
• Serious Physical Withdrawal Syndrome – cannot stay away after a break-up or separation
• Obsession – preoccupation increases until it takes the majority of your thoughts
• Loss of Social Supports – stop seeing friends and begin to isolate, other people give up trying to get you to see what you are doing
• Collapse of the Alibi System – can no longer make excuses for yourself OR the problem person
• Drinking, Using Prescription Meds, Eating, Working, etc. to keep functioning or "feel normal"
• Hopelessness and Despair